Mathematics

It's been 28 years since I graduated from University yet I still have a recurring dream about missing all my Mathematics lectures, knowing there's a final test looming and knowing I'm not going to get my degree because math is going to take me down. 28 years of that.

I am not strong in math and I think anyone who can prove the existence of stars and black holes simply by the use of numbers and formulae is astonishing. I also admire carpenters who know how to use a tape measure and people who can do math in their head on the spot. I still don't know how to do a 15% tip on a meal bill. I flunked math in high school and had to take it again and then avoided it in University. I did take a statistics course and passed it with flying colors, but only because it was applied and meant something.

Since I didn't take math at University and have my degree and have 28 years of space between that event and now, why do I still have this dream? My theory is that there is still some part of me that is insecure or scared or fearful or something like that and this dream signifies it. It feels like insecurity, like I've blown it all because I was too lazy/slothful/stupid to go to math lectures. It feels like I've been totally foolish, like I've failed. What are you telling me Lord?

I think I am a candidate for Sozo/Theophositic ministry. My guess is that I still feel like a failure in some part of me and that I also feel inadequate. I don't really feel like that on the outside but I'm guessing there's still some tape on the inside that's still playing that message over and over again. For 28 years to be exact.

Pa